how many bollos employees can you fit in a one room apartment?

surprisingly, all of them. i went to a party by request this weekend. the first time in a long time i have left the comfort of my pajamas. it was a fashion show of sorts. a girl i know makes clothes and had a party/show. hanni was a model and looked very trampy, much to our delight. lovely turnout, lovely to see everyone. dick, ron, non-judgemental katie, abused josh, will, laRAsex, larry the famous jew, and even SORM (son of richard marx) scooched in to say hi. i'd say it was "fabulous" but it might be cause to vomit.

right, so there was some weird stuff going on and i'm fairly certain that bollos employees were behind it all. first of all, there were fruits and vegetables for guests to eat. yes...fruits and vegetables. they were V. delish and i didn't exactly expect meatlover's pizza...

the bitches were there. the graphic design minions. the terrors of kinkos. veronica...and brian! (inser terrifying horror music) these two are evil. i am still working up the balls to ask that square faced devil if kinkos sells paper. him, i've talked to...tried to. tried to be nice to that asscrack during RA training two years ago when i felt sorry for him for being supergay and ostracized by his macho co-workers in the biggest all-male dorm on the east coast, once featured in playboy as a top place to lose the big one. the kid was wearing rainbow sandals and carried a purse! so he was a shit to me and i've never forgotten it. (actually, i did until i saw him at the partyshow and realized who he was at last) right-o. he quit anyway. most likely couldn't handle the shoe criticism. too bad he didn't have ME for a friend...his loss. he made a deal with teenybangs satan square face already. onward!

so then this crazy strawberry blonde was the star of the show. she was wearing a very skimpy dress and obviously nothing else. her flailing around was very nerve wracking, as we were sure at any moment, the dress would fly right off or spontaneously combust. she appeared several times to become intimate with the wall. she circled the room, pointing at each of us for a moment. v. dramatic. then she circled the room again and put carrot sticks in our mouths. unbelievable. she danced with me. she danced with hanni. she made out with her boyfriend. she ran into the low-hanging light. she collapsed on the floor...spent.

cheers to aaron for bringing the digital camera...

cheers to josh for posing as a CT photographer and capturing the excitement...

cheers to me for getting that very dirty bare-foot shot as we all stepped over her prostrate form on our way out...

cheers to that girl for unwittingly entertaining us all...

i AM nancy drew

this is dedicated to slimey people...

dear scum,
please do not think i am fooled by your pitiful attempts to be sneaky, for i AM nancy drew and i am FAR sneakier. you are dense...and very lucky we are not on survivor because i can outsmart, outlast, and outplay you. that may not be the real survivor motto (i stopped watching after survivor outback) but it doesn't matter. i am still doing all of those things. i am not impressed by your manicured toes, pedophilia, or fancy pants car. your not-so-subtle tricks aren't working and i am laughing at you. ha HA! see?

as ricky's violent and crazy lesbian ex-roommate would say, "god has numbered the days of your reign and brought them to an end--the bible." thankfully she's not here to say it though because she is REALLY screwy. nuts. out of her mind. d) all of the above. i just thought that would be fun to put in. thought you might appreciate the drama of it all. i know ron and dick will. (hi girls!)

riiight. so. i was born at night...but not LAST night. just a heads up there, scummy--i'm too good for you. i am nancy drew.

in other news, my toes are REALLY hurty tonight. even the toe rub i got from my ecuadorian manservant didn't do the trick. maybe i'll have to write a letter to my toes next.
it will start: dear TOES...


cheers from ellie and her sore feets and toes

stories from anal shook

i must discuss my friend, the infamous anal shook. anal is anal. V. anal. she loves money and clothes and rides around all day long in what aaron describes as "the business mobile." she puts everything in her planner. everything. she's the best...and the worst. she's great...and terrible. i just love and hate her. hurrah for anal shook!

so i just got off the phone with good old anal. she had a fascinatingly disgusting story to tell. yesterday, or mayhaps the day before (i pretend i'm fully listening to anal. i'm usually also a) sleeping or b) painting my beauty toes) right, so. anal was driving around in the business mobile. she was probably also wearing a very showy name brand charcoal gray suit too. with expensively tasteful v. low shoes. anal wears low shoes because she is 7ft tall. no, not really. she's only 6ft3 (although she will only attest to 6ft1 and it is a big fat lie--love you anal!)

so anal was being extremely businesslike as always. and in a hurry too. anal is never lazy like me--i prefer to call it "laid back." right...back to the business mobile! anal was tooling around fort worth trying to sell paper to big fancy companies that appreciate her fancy planner and shoes. her job is more important than that but for the sake of this story we will just call her a paper salesman.

anal called another paper hocker who was driving around in HER fancy business mobile and they decided to meet for lunch. i like to imagine the phone call as going something like this:

anal: hi, it's me. i'm very busy and important but i need to eat. where are you?
girl: i'm in pottery barn buying myself something upscale. where are you?
anal: this is a good day for you. as luck would have it, i am also in pottery barn making enormous purchases with my platinum visa. let's eat.

nibbling on salads at chic-fil-a (important business people ONLY eat salads and drink water with lemon) anal noticed a very gross man seated behind her business associate. he was alone, looked creepy and was NOT eating a very businessy lunch. anal and girl were getting situated when our heroine anal accidentally dropped her knife and fork onto the floor. since it was still in the plastic packaging anal made a quick-thinking business decision to pick it up continue on with her lunch.

this is the disgusting part.

as anal bent down to retrieve her knife and fork, she glanced up and had a clear view of the creepy man's lower half under the table. he was wearing shorts. teeny nylon shorts. and nothing else. he was scooted to the end of his chair while he ate and his junk was right there for anal to see. anal is no pervert though and did not behave at all like i would have. she gasped but sat up and continued her lunch, never mentioning it to her lunch date, although she explains later that the situation did indeed ruin her dining experience. v. professional of her. i, on the other hand would have been cracking up, crying, making a huge laughing scene.

i guess that's why anal has her fancy business life and i'm still in college and wear pajamas every day. hurrah to anal and our love/hate relationship.

cheers!

open! positions in hell. now hiring...

hurry hurry, positions fill quickly for coveted spots at team demon!

imagine yourself slaving over a firey hot stove, being yelled at for no good reason, and being degraded daily. sound good? the fun doesn't stop there...

not even tide mountain spring will be able to rid your uncomfortable uniform of the odor of rancid meat. your once-perfect skin will redden, blister, and scar following exposure to frothy, bubbling kettles of boiling greasewater and thick, burning sauces that splatter and stick to tender pink flesh. it doesn't get any better than this!


work for:

a very fat man with bad grammar, no social skills, and an abnormally tall, ridiculous-looking hat. make sure to cook extra because he's going to eat half of it!

an up-and-coming ASSCRACK who's thin but boasts scary love handles reminiscent of potato sacks. this jackass will scream hateful curses in your face and insult you in multiple other ways in under ten minutes!

asscrack's closeted sidekick. blackened teeth-nubs and a balding head won't stop THIS twenty-something from "tearing you a new one" when he gets bored forming soy poultry nuggets.

so what are you waiting for? opportunity is knocking. be sure to answer that door.

wednesday is my friday so hurrah for that.

cheers all.

holy holy--meet smug ellie

hi. ellie/va. smug. "often angry" according to friend/roommate hanni. i really don't feel quite as angry as i have been portrayed as. have decided that "occasionally indignant" is a better way to phrase my disposition, although i am v. fond of the color red--traditionally associated with firey anger. apparently it's also the color of love and passion but i currently have the time for neither of those...oi vei.

i did make time to be a very naughty girl at mass today. i couldn't help it. i felt like i was in new york again--age five with my cousin james on easter sunday. holy sh*t. we were sooo bad. at one point my gram washed my mouth out with soap because i said "poo" too much. so today this deacon was just chatting away about chairs and their innate "chairness" and how they can also be weapons. it was actually a very good and sensible homily but i couldn't stop looking at the priest, who at 6:30 had already done this routine at least twice and was probably about to lose his poor holy mind. anyhoo...he was sitting up there on his little throne looking as if at ANY moment he would burst out laughing hysterically. he has reddish hair and very light skin so i could clearly see his face turning hot pink.

right...i had no idea what he thought was so funny but i found that V. funny and started feeling the giggles too. THEN he bit his lip and looked down, playing with his robe. this poor guy was doing anything he could to not laugh but his solemn "in prayer" pose didn't fool me. his shoulders were shaking a teeny bit too. i, of course, thought this was just hilarious. i was CRACKING UP but i couldn't make any noise! i suspect the surrounding churchgoers thought i was either v. moved by the deacon's homily or simply insane due to the river of tears that were pouring out of my eyes and down my cheeks. i was shaking uncontrollably (though not in manner of a seizure) and i swear i almost wet my pants. i couldn't look up or i would have exploded, causing a scene, embarassment, and most likely lots of disrespect to the cause. i almost left. so bad! everything was hilariously funny. hell, i'm laughing right now.

eventually i had to think of awful things like death of loved ones, etc. to finally get myself under control...and even that took a bit of time. sorry, loved ones. the rest of the service passed quietly, although the lady next to me would not hold my hand during the "our father" or give me a sign of peace. mmm--jerk. after all that secret laughing, i was rather exhausted and had no more strength left to continue naughty reign of terror like making spitballs or crawling around under all the pews. i was V. misbehaved. what fun!

note: have actually done aforementioned activities in a house of God

is nice to be back.
cheers!