my elbow

written 9 or 10 years ago by myself and an old friend called chirt. we were at my grandparent's house in ocean city getting chased by handsome british boys who let us ride all the rides on the boardwalk free. chirt got her first kiss by some guy with bad breath. i got nothing but the free rides. i had already been kissed.

my elbow is my friend because
he’s there when i need him most
he’s with me now and always was
he’s the only appendage of which i care to boast

he makes me smile instead of frown
and he is always here
i love to have him “hang around”
with him i need not fear

he protects me from the bad guys
and packs a hefty punch
for an elbow he is truly wise
he helps me out a bunch

he helps me with my homework
he lends a “helping hand”
he even helps me at the beach
to build castles in the sand

i wondered if elbow was always quiet
as noiseless as he seemed
one day i thought i’d try it
so i smashed him into a splintery beam
(he didn’t say a word—i screamed)

elbow was out of commission
useless for quite awhile
the scab was festering and oozing pus
yet elbow took it with a wrinkly smile

my elbow is still my buddy
for he’s got a funny bone
he chuckles when i get him muddy
and never sulks alone

he still helps me catch a frisbee
he still helps me throw a ball
i am positive that without him
i wouldn’t have an arm at all

the end.

i'm going home right from work tomorrow. my darling is with hanni until sunday. when hanni went way for spring break, i watched her fish. unfortunately, he passed on during that week. pray that she doesn't take this opportunity to seek revenge through beautyclee...ha.

note: pray i keep my sanity over the next few days...anal arrives in DC wednesday night. oh my.

cheers.

not to be missed

i was talking to ricky and aaron tonight and somehow the subject of bec came up. bec is nuts. v. nuts. she and ricky were originally best friends and roommates. after the infamous halloween party where aaron was introduced to ricky, bec became insanely jealous...and dangerous.

side note: aaron and i were dressed in ladybug costumes i made for us. ricky was a hunter (riiight) and bec (who, surprisingly looked female) was dressed as a dominatrix in a low-cut pleather dress, red wig, and carried a whip. her enormous boobs continued to fall out of said dress all night.


the happy couple: dick (with glasses) and ron

this was the only picture i was allowed to use. aaron said if i used any other (in which he felt he might not look as cute) i could expect to take it up with him on judge judy. so fickle...

sooo...bec also used to be a friend of mine until she tried to be intimate with me--at aforementioned halloween party--a scene straight from an after-school special. her advances were not well received despite dress, wig, and scary whip.

subsequently, she took to threatening our lives in hilarious ways and computer-whiz ricky (and published author) documented it all for our enjoyment. indeed, it is not to be missed.

now if i may divert your attention here...

even if you don't have the time to go through everything, "the letter" is a must. take care to note bec's undocumented biblical quotations and remember...this is REAL.

begin reading...NOW.

when she finally moved out of the apartment and her attempts to woo the head of judicial affairs fell through, she transferred. consequently, we're sleeping more soundly.

cheers darlings.

a real kick in the head...

please start from the beginning. when you get to the end, stop.

go here.

make yourself. c'mon, just do it.

send to friends and loved ones.

send to me even if we're not in love...or even friends.

if it makes you feel any better, i've already done it and enlisted outside help.

smug elle (and cleo beautycat) anal will smoo hanni

we're JUST about as attractive as they come. i'll spill a little secret...i even made one of professor hotpants. yes. i did. terrible, i know. right. so...t'sall for now.

cheers loves!

deja vu


the missionaries were on the prowl again.



if they drop by, i will be ready for them with this.


cheers.

ew

i saw some missionaries last night in front of tacobell. i spotted them from afar in their white collared shirts and black slacks, carrying backpacks filled with...the word of God? i think not. although i tried to hit them with my car, my attempt failed. filled with disappointment, i reminded myself there is always a next time.

maybe it's the fact that every mormon family has too many kids and the same enormous framed drawing of jesus mixed in with the rest of the family photos on the wall that weirds me out. i've been in a lot of mormon homes. lots. it's always the same thing. "this is uncle mike and aunt shirley, that's little andy's first day of school, that's jesus..."

maybe it's the sacred underwear. yes, sacred underwear. i couldn't believe it when i first heard about it. i was at MORMON SUMMER CAMP. gross, right? i only went because i was "best" friends with the bald girl. i could think of a longer name incorporating her dandruff and hair oil problem but since she will also be bald in the next 15 years, "the bald girl" works for me.

at the time we really were very good friends. i overlooked her hair woes and she told me how big my ass was. i drank beer, coffee, soda, said "damn shit" to upset her, and played gin with face cards. she tried to convert me and said if there was a hell, i would be in it. i went to her scary church and played for their scary basketball team. i also got roped into going to that shitty camp with her.

our "counselor" was (no joke) about two years older than we were...and married to some missionary that had just come back from brainwashing hmong farmers in laos or something like that. she thought she was really cool because she was having sex and we weren't. good for her. and so i learned about the sacred underwear.

i forget why the sacred underwear is worn, but i do know that they are kind of like little white tank tops and boxer briefs and have to be the first thing that touches the skin. they might have different styles but since they are sacred and thus "secret" i am not privy to that information. the thing that really disturbed me was that if you wanted to wear, say, a BRA, it had to be worn OVER the secret sacred underwear. girls, does this sound comfortable? mmm...

my own underwear is not quite so secret. i shudder to think what they would do if they knew i sometimes fold my laundry with a clean pair of underpants perched on my head like a jaunty beret. right...so.

i'm just not into the LDS. the bald girl tried for 8 years to convert me. even when she moved to arizona after high school we kept in touch. we wrote, called, visited, and she sent missionaries to my parents house...multiple times. they weren't pleased. she even tried to convert my boyfriend of 2 years.

i guess her persistence finally paid off. he converted and they got married last year.

hmm.

my pants

something to share:

the picture of pants next to the title was stolen from the gap online. they are indeed elliepants as the official name is the "ellie patch pocket pant." they are also ellie's pants because i have a pair. in fact, i was pleased to note that there is a giant "ellie" on the tag. what fun!

in other news, i got a job. yesterday during a bout of boredom from too much lounge-time, i thought i might run out quickly to get a job. and so i did. hurrah!

i also found my perfect post graduation job. unfortunately, it has nothing to do with either degree. pushing that aside however, my new career list begins with "dolphin trainer" at the very top. i can a) be near the ocean b) be tan (though freckled is more likely) and c) wear a bathing suit all day (and be in my most natural state, as i refused underwearpants until the 6th grade...yes, i realize how ridiculous that is.) moving on...

during this past week i have watched too much television, read 5 books, and (other than the "running out to get a job" thing) worn pajamas almost exclusively. when alone, i have also begun to fancy myself an enormously popular singer. in truth this is not possible, as i often sound rather like a very off-key cher. i may choose not to pursue a public singing career. mmm...damn.

the end.

cheers to being a closet rockstar.

ellie's pants revamped

this is an exciting night. thanks to help from hanni, my pants have been given a total overhaul for the better. no more shitty orange, teal, and lime. hurrah!

i even learned how to put in pictures, as you can see from the lovely image below of my darling girl cleo. i thought the first official photo should be of sweet clee since she's wonderful and obviously has lots of stripes.



am huge computer science dorkass tonight and loving it. oooh...maybe one day i will figure out how to use those faggy little animated mood icons.

cheers to that!

smug married...who wants to be one anyway?

apparently a lot of people. it's that time of year again...wedding season. in two weeks i will return to the ever lovely stafford, virginia to reunite with smoo williams and anal shook. although i've long speculated that they are quietly in love, they are not the happy couple soon to be smug marrieds. the bride is our ass-kicking friend amy and her groom is a different andrew (not smoo), a crime fighting republican who peed on the "welcome to arkansas" sign. i know...there were photos.

anal and smoo will be staying at my parents house and mum has agreed to let me stay there as well. hurrah! smoo has referred to our reunion as a long weekend full of "frivolity and merriment." i'm just hoping to go skinny dipping in our pool.

i am also dateless. gaah! my expected date has bailed on me. in fact, he bailed five minutes after i sealed the rsvp envelope that enclosed my reply of "2". shortly thereafter, i made it my mission to find myself a very good (and attractive) replacement date. however, since talking to anal about it, i have changed my mind. dateless is best.

i will now be (according to anal) the "mysterious single girl." anal swears there is one at every wedding. from what i understand, the "mysterious single girl" has just a few duties at a wedding. those must include, but are not limited to, being alone and being beautiful. since i obviously have those covered, i am free to explore other territories that accompany said requirements.

i can choose from a range of options comprising:
being witty and/or charming
being flirtatious
being aloof and unmeasurably sexy
being fall-down funny
being drunk

i am a chronic procrastinator and prefer to wait until june 1st to decide my role. play it by ear, if you will.

all said, it should be fun.

too smart for my own pants

catchy, isn't it? so i finished my last real "class" of the semester today. yes, and on READING day. subsequently, i neither read nor studied. i had my exam this evening during our class, you see. didn't even study. never cracked a stinking book. it was cake. CAKE, i tell you.

actually, we weren't supposed to study, so i'm not really that dumb...or smart. i feel i must talk about that class. i have a little group in there. i guess you would call us a clique. we didn't start out like that. we just happened to sign up for the same group. love at first sight. my group kicks a lot of ass. lots. if you knew them, you would be jealous of me forever and ever. our ashes are going to be buried in an artificial reef together when we die. there's room for four in the same reef. me, cleo beautycat, gus, and wendy. the latter two comprise the rest of said group. (see eternal reefs if you, too, are interested in being an ocean dweller for all eternity) i think wendy might be allergic to sweetclee but i doubt that will matter much when we're dead.

i love my group. we may just be the f-ing smartest people in the world--or at least in our class--but probably in our major at least.

gus:
married to nice wife. two nice kids...and some of you may know that kids make me nervous. his son is v. cute and blonde and isn't even all that scared of me. hurrah! mayhaps he'll marry my daughter...if i have one, and all. is hilarious and also nuts. runs marathons (nuts, like i said.) sometimes he lets the f-word slip. apparently he also calls people "jackass" when he drives and got caught when little sam came home to his mum and called someone a jackass. i love it! if i were to have a comedic marathon-running older brother, gus would be at the top of the list. here's the real kicker--he says "dammit" too. bliss.

wendy:
the missing piece of the puzzle. this girl not only grows wheat and barley while getting tan at the greenhouse, she is left-handed and has a HARLEY...complete with a leather HD jacket and leather chaps! does it get any better than this? i think not. our professor also has somewhat of a crush on her because she is hot and has special motorcycle halter tops for summer. (i'm betting the chaps factored in there somewhere as well.) she even goes to bike rallies and shit. o yes, it's true.

i really lucked out. i could have been in a group with a v. bad lady in class. we'll call her "julie." hell, why not? it IS her name, after all. ms. julie is whack. i don't believe i've ever used the word "whack" before but i'm feeling a little long island tonight. (love you ma!) she has enormous hair. bigger than some hair we've discussed in the past as being enormous. there is SO much of it.

i know i'm going to hell for this but i can't help it. it's v. long hair. she is rather on the old side too. not overly old but i think she's got a MINIMUM of ten years on me. long, brown, totally frizzed out. commonly seen in a low messy ponytail and a cushioned headband. it's a bad scene. she is a devil of sorts. no personality. none. humor? HA! a joke.

she loves to correct other people's spelling. publicly. she loves to look at our grades (which, to date have been nothing less than perfect. no horseshit.) i think this upsets her. really gets her stretch stirrup pants in a bunch. there's one little catch though...

she is in love with gus.

she started out hating him because sam was talking during mass once...and then he stepped on her cheap shoe during class. she was none too kind in her words. lately though, things have taken a turn in old jules' feelings for our dear gus (augustus! aren't germans neat?) i am inclined to suspect her budding love for him began around the time the entire class realized how lost we would all be without him. it's a bandwagon thing.

now she constantly talks to "the group" when we are obviously trying to be exclusive. at our barbeque last week, we grabbed the prime table and she was right there to join a lovely discussion that may have centered around our disenchantment with her. subject changed at her arrival.

today, our last meeting, was a good one though. it has been raining v. hard today. am thinking ahead and have decided to build an arc. just for the group, you know. right, so. another girl in class made a remark about it raining and having to share an umbrella with our hero of the hour, although she didn't call him that. (am just trying to be dramatic. no dramatic reading is complete without some drama.) anyway, julie jumped right in with the most inappropriate of comments. something about "umbrella" being a code word for a condom. nobody laughed.

despite the fact that this man is happily married with a lovely family, julie the lunatic is worried (and jealous!) that he may be having an affair with some random classmate of ours. ugh. wendy thinks that she might try to follow us to the bottom of the ocean...for all eternity. we are disgusted by this prospect.

cheers for the best group i know

all unicorns are white, yes?

i was attempting to study with jen provolone last night. mostly we just smoked and talked about a certain bitch who's forehead is so enormous, we think she rents it out on weekends as a movie screen. mmm...so studying.

provolone was also complaining about her philosophy class which, strangely, also doubles as a math class. what??? yes. she said she was going to fail and it was going to be a mess and then i saw why. here are some sample "mathosophy" problems:

analytically true or analytically false

1. all unicorns are white
2. no unicorns are white
3. some unicorns are white
4. some unicorns are not white

you think i'm joking? make sense of this:

john isn't not coming. if john is coming, sally will be unhappy. either sally will be unhappy or it will snow. HUH?

riiight. so there's more. this is a replication of what is called a "truth tree." i don't know what it means and neither does provolone but dammit! she has to solve it.

P Q (~R=S) ~F T R W
( (Q~~P)
(Y W R Y) ~ U P O E
~P Y D S (~P ~Q)
(V B) ~P ~R T G H
Y E W N V C ~
(~W W ~R) Y=~T

doesn't it look fun?

it's no wonder the suicide rate jumps 1000% during exam time...

mathosophy/philematics class blows goats. thank you very much.

cheers.