dammit

okay, so the last thing i wrote didn't work. trying again...

6 month hiatus

so i've been busy. i am, in actuality, a double agent. i have spent the last 6 months living in russia, posing as putin's personal shopper and learning secrets about explosives and vodka. haven't you noticed how good he's been looking lately?

and now i'm back. temporarily at least.

i just saw anal shook. popped across the country for a few days to visit some lovely fam and of course, anal. i couldn't have kept it a secret if i tried. she'd sniff me out immediately. we had very delicious sushi. unparalelled by any other. i love it so much i've eaten it for 3 days straight. unfortunately, the sushi around here doesn't quite hold a candle to good old sushi sam. whoever the hell sam is, he's damn good.

on my way to rodeo country, i breezed through chicago. they're not kidding when they call it the windy city. try lighting a cigarette. it was HELL i tell you. had a bit of a run in with airport security there. in essence, i was almost really really screwed. badly.

on my way home, we stopped but did not have to change planes. however, there was a wait and i wanted to walk around, use the loo, and pop out for a quick smoke. by my watch, i had about 45 minutes. i asked the ticket counter lady by the gate if i needed more than just a boarding pass and my ID. she said i'd be finD with that. so i went to find the door outside.

about a mile later, i made it. i joined the other smokees on some benches and was truly outside for about 10 minutes. then i pushed back inside. the first checkpoint really railed me. a sign requested a boarding pass and an ID, both of which i had. (mind you, this was not the x-ray security check...merely the check to see whether or not i was supposed to be on a plane anywhere in the airport)

so the teenage dropout doing the check looks at my pass (which was nothing more than a stub--they took the better part of it at the last airport) and says "you can't come in" by this time, it's 20 minutes before the plane leaves me behind in chicago. so i tell her that the lady BY THE GATE told me this would be finD and that i should, indeed, be allowed to go past this initial checkpoint.

girl: no, you can't come through. this isn't enough.
me: fuuuuuuck
girl: you need to go up to the ticket counter (upstairs) and get a new boarding pass
me: fuuuuuuck

so i ran upstairs and looked at the line. it was a long ass line. at this point i had 15 minutes to stand in a 30 minute line.

me: fuuuuuuck

after a minute or two, i could take it no longer. especially when an asian family of 6 pushed by me to join a lone asian directly in front of me. the line-time lengthened greatly. i could not afford (literally) to miss the flight, since it was the last one scheduled to washington that night.

me: fuuuuuuck

so i did what any smug person would do. i cut. i walked right up as the rest of the line cursed me, flipped them my longest finger, and got my new pass. note: the lady at the desk said the teenage lackeys downstairs didn't know what the hell they were talking about.

i was feeling extra smug with my new boarding pass. i knocked by some slowpokes on the escalator and marched up to the 10th grade dropout "security" girl. i informed her in my most polite (not really) voice that she was wrong and two experienced ticket agents had backed me up. i bit my tongue before screaming that heads would roll if i missed my flight. i would have been arrested. then i would have yelled "bomb." (how dare my elementary school teachers give me "needs improvement" marks on my report card for the "practices self control" section)

so i ended up having to knock a lot of people out of my way. i was v. busy and important. i had a mile to go and only ten minutes left before my plane left without me. lucky me, i had already used the ladies room.

i made it to the plane and settled in just in time--or so i thought. exactly, instead of leaving right then, we had to wait over an hour for a plane from los angeles to make it's way in so those passengers could get to washington with the rest of us. so much for being proud of myself for finally getting somewhere on time.

hope everyone had a nice 6 months. on that calendar, i'm due back again sometime in june. if i get a moment from my v. busy fancy life, i'll pop in sooner. this whole "college thing" is really putting a damper on my social life.

cheers all.